Sharing this on social media/Internet was not easy. However, it will be worth if this can help anyone. Being a therapist and sharing this might even backfire, but that is alright sine primary motive is to help and stand with all who face similar issue with or without realisation.
I grew up with some degree of inferiority complex. Right from childhood to adulthood, I was called dark, thin, fat, short, ugly, rude, not homely enough etc. While initially others used to tell me that I was above mentioned things, when they stopped, I started telling myself that I am all those and worse. And it all came together to teach me a life lesson.
To cut short the story:
During my first pregnancy, I had taken a break from work which meant losing financial independence and the after the birth of my first child, the extra weight on my allegedly ‘unshapely’ body left me broken from within. I had postpartum depression which went unchecked and after a year and half I was diagnosed with clinical depression.
My husband was a pillar of support before, during and after my pregnancy and he continues to be. He not only loved and cared but also pampered me. I had lovely and helpful neighbours who would cook things I craved for, I was in touch with my friends, I was reading good books and doing things that I like but those good people around me could not stop me from getting clinical depression.
Whenever the psychiatrist asked me what bothers me most, I used to say - body image and financial dependency. And I believed that I knew my problem well.
One and half year later after I was diagnosed with clinical depression, I consulted a dietitian and lost nearly 15 kgs in 9 months (with break). I got a good job with good pay. So two primary ‘reasons’ behind my depression were gone.
And still THAT happened, one fine evening. It was day off and I had dropped my child in the daycare (usually I used to keep him home on my off days) so that I can have sometime for myself. We had moved into a new apartment on 17th floor and I was alone when something inside my head kept telling me to jump off the building. I frantically called helplines - some asked me to hold, some lines were dead, some went unanswered, some disconnected. And eventually I had to call my office to send help and they sure did. They made a doctor call me and talk to me till my husband returned home. (And later I lost my job for obvious reasons).
That phase was short and I was able to resist with help of good people, my will power and guilt (because I had sent my child to daycare for my me-time).
This episode, however short made it clear that body image issue and financial dependency were NOT the reasons.
To conclude, I want to say is that depression can come in different forms, at unexpected time and hence it is important that we be mindful of our thoughts no matter how random those are. Not to overthink but to acknowledge and sometimes address those.
We should ‘teach’ our subconscious mind to be respectful to ourselves, love ourselves, forgive our own follies and most importantly understand ourselves and our thought patterns. And hypnotherapy can help. It helped me so much that I decided to be a clinical hypnotherapist myself.
Even if one doesn’t have depression, a visit to a therapist can help a long way. Like other health checkups, mental health too requires regular checkups. So ‘checkup’ on yourself